In the house of mstar
THE RING GOES WAY WEST INTO THE LAND OF SHADOW
The company remained some days in Springdale, so far as they could tell or remember.
One evening Flat Frodo and the Mistress mstar were in the backyard, watering the grass that was withering in the Texas heat, when both began to feel restless. On Flat Frodo suddenly the shadow of parting had fallen; he knew somehow the time was very near when he must leave Springdale.
The Mistress of mstar turned to Flat Frodo as he spoke, “I do feel the time of departing is at hand.”
“Yes, the date on the airline ticket to your designation of California is tomorrow,” she answered.
“I don’t want to leave, but all the same if we must go on, then tomorrow, as those airline tickets say, would be the time to get on with it.”
The Mistress nodded her head at the obvious observation.
“Still, I do have a question.” Frodo looked up at the Lady.
“Yes?”
“Just what the heck IS the purpose of this quest to visit the “Crackpots Of Mount Hollywierd?”?
“I have no idea…let’s have another council and try to figure something out,” she answered.
That night the Council was again summoned to the House of mstar to discuss the nature of Flat Frodo’s Quest.
At length Master mstar spoke of their departure.
“Now is the time,” he said, ”when those who wish to continue the Quest must harden their hearts to leave this land.”
“Yeah, but what is the Quest and why can’t you just do it?” asked Flat Frodo, “I’m getting a bit under the weather, with allergies and all. Why can’t you go to this California and do whatever and just leave me out of it?”
“Excellent question, Master Baggins. “You are growing wise,” someone wise said.
“It has been decided,” the someone wise continued, “that you are to meet the crackpots of that land, for the hour has come at last, when you should go forth and strive for the mastery of the Academy Awards; that they may rule in favor of the final part of the great ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy, ‘The Return Of The King.’ You are to make a plea for the movie to have proper representation, given lots of awards, and also throw in a pitch for a sound governing council for all who dwell in the state of California.”
The help the company could give was to walk blindly with him into the darkness that lay upon that foul place.
“Oh all right, then let’s get on with it,” Frodo said, as he once again closed his hand over the Ring, accepting his quest…kinda like that picture of him on the wall (see below).
After some three and a half mind-boggling hours, the jet landed just north of the fabled Crackpots of Mount Hollyweird.
On the seventh day after their arrival, the company ventured into the lands that border the realms of the Crackpots, known as the “City Of Beverly Hills.” Within these walls, many of the crackpots are known to live and shop.
“I see no one,” Flat Frodo whispered, drawing out Sting.
“So it seems,” said Master mstar. “Yet where they are, and how many, and what they will do next, we do not know. What this day will bring, who can tell? Have your weapons close at hand!”
“Behold The Beverly Hills Hotel, the hotel of both great true stars and the crackpots!” cried Master mstar. “We shall not tarry here, but pass this place quickly.”
“Is this where ‘Pretty Woman’ stayed, and then went on to Rodeo Drive where she got to shop?” asked Frodo.
“I do feel the need to shop,” he continued. “These clothes of mine are just all-wrong! They are starting to look much too shabby. They ARE from the first film, you know, and that was TWO seasons ago. Just totally out of date and all. I need a new look, people,” he added with a strange look in his eye. “I hear hot pink is the thing this season.”
Mistress mstar looked uneasily at Flat Frodo and cried out, “Can’t you hear yourself, Flat Frodo? You’re starting to sound like ‘em and act like ‘em! We have been watching you…you didn’t sleep on the flight over here, and now you just want to eat vegetables, and wantin’ to just drink soy milk! I saw you mixing tofu into your lembas last night! All you talk about is shopping for all things hot pink and fuzzy! Your goals are eroding to hanging out on Rodeo Drive and staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel in hopes of seeing ‘Pretty Women.’ You got to get a hold of yourself, Mister Flat Frodo!”
“It’s MY TASK and MY SHOPPING TRIP!!!!” Flat Frodo cried out as he gripped sting tighter. It was appointed to ME, to ME! What do you know of it! What do YOU OWN that is hot pink and fuzzy? And look at those split ends…you will never keep Master mstar with those, not to mention your unkept nail cuticles!!!”
Tears of pain welled up in the Mistress’ eyes as Master mstar started to look with mounting disgust at her split ends and bad cuticles.
“I know what’s wrong,” she cried, “it’s the Ring, it’s starting to take hold of you. Get a hold of yourself, Flat, or you will become a crackpot just like them, and pass into shadow and uncontrollable California brush fires and flame.”
The confrontation with the orc brought Flat Frodo to his senses and he remembered his quest.
“We must get to the Crackpots of Mount Hollyweird! I still do not know the way; we seem to be going in circles.”
“Well that’s how they designed the streets here, Flat. We will have to get one of those maps of the stars’ homes they sell in those cheesy souvenir shops. Surely that will help us find our way. Now don’t go looking for help from Gollum. Word came to us just last night, while we were watching the latest program on E!’s ‘Hollyweird Hottest Hookups,’ that he has taken up with some crackpot actress, and currently shacked up with her somewhere right here in Beverly Hills 90210.”
“Oh,” said Flat Frodo. “Then we must not waste any further precious time, let’s get on with it.’
“Then let’s do it,” the company agreed.
After going to a cheap souvenir shop, they purchased a “Map To The Stars Homes” that also included directions to the fabled sights of Hollyweird. Very carefully, they then followed the winding roads until they finally reached…
THE CRACKPOTS OF MOUNT HOLLYWEIRD
“Some were great, true stars, but some were the ancestors and founders of the ‘Crackpots.’ Master mstar, a great hunter and tracker, clearly recognized the signs that show the current crop of crackpots had been here and left their mark.
Saddened, he then began to hum a little of “The Lay Of Crackpot.”
It was at this point, that a representative of Mann’s asked that no pictures be taken of Flat Frodo and the Fellowship. Crest fallen, Frodo almost fell face down and had his flat cardboard body enshrined in cement along with the other crackpots within the cracks in the side walk.
Once again a voice rang out from an old movie or something, “Move along now, nothing to see here.”
The company did as they were told.
The Elves King brought forth a message in song.
Don’t be cruel, To a heart that’s true.
Deafening cheers from all around. The Elves King was doing splendidly. “C’mon now, why don’t you allow my little buddy to finish? And (breaking into song again…)
Everything will just be all right, Be alright, be alright…
Some standing around got together an impromptu orchestra and began to play along with a merry tune.
It was at this moment that the Lady Marilyn of Monroe shielded him with her feathered cloak from the coldness of the streets that had pierced Frodo’s cardboard and his soul was lifted.
Now very much refreshed, the Company said their farewells to their newly found friends.
“Behold the Walls of The Kodak Theatre!” cried Mistress Mstar.
“It is within these walls that the Academy Awards are to be held and their creditability will stand on the edge of a knife. If they stray but a little from truth once again, and ignore the works of ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ team, as they have these past two years. They will fall totality into shadow, losing the respect of all.
“It is an act of Grace offered to them that we have been sent to speak a warning to not follow the folly of their former ways. It is also the will of the Council that they be warned to elect sound government for the time is at hand when such will be much needed. Darkness is creeping back into all lands.
“We will now climb to the top that you may speak to any who would listen to your words of warning and wisdom.”
Once inside the theatre, they crawled their way to the top to proclaim their message and for a photo shoot. They found they had been protected from the “Great Eye of The Crackpot” as it had been diverted to look upon Aragorn, thinking he was the one that had been sent.
Hard, cruel, and bitter was the land that met his gaze. He shuddered and forced himself to move so that he could stand up to speak.
“To the people of Hollyweird and those of you who call your home California, and also any tourists, I bring a message from the very wise. A choice is soon to come before you. A time has been given to you to either choose the way of truth, or the way of lies, deceit, and shadow, along with more brush fire and flame.”
“Soon within these halls a council of some that are wise, but unfortunately, some that are crackpots, will come together to decide the fate of both the academy awards and the governing body of the lands of California…”
But Master Flat Baggins could not finished his message, as those who had stopped for a moment to look at him, had moved away, calling him “cracked, just like his Uncle Bilbo”.
Since there was no one left, all agreed Flat Frodo was released now from his task.
So Flat Frodo and the Mistress of mstar take a much-needed rest on a sofa at the top of The Kodak theatre, and much enjoyed the brief refuge from their pursuers.
They then turned their faces to look upon the hill with the fabled “Hollywood” sign upon it.
Thinking no more of concealment, fighting their weariness, they only turn away from the sign, as it was just too ugly to look at, as were the fried hills upon which it sat.
Flat Frodo finally succumbed to weariness and with a gasp he cast himself to the ground.
“Fear not, our dear Flat Frodo,” Master mstar spoke over his free ale, “You will not tread those dark lands again, for our road now takes us into the fair lands of San Diego. Here you will find comfort among the great warriors that protect Middle Earth. They are kindred spirits with you and all who fight for what is good. It is there you will be permitted a decent photo shoot.”
“But what about the quest of the One Ring?” Frodo asked. “Is it complete? I still have it!”
“Aw don’t worry that about for now,” the Master answered. “The House of Alkhin will know what to do with it. That is where you will be going when we return to Texas. But for now, it’s on to San Diego, a fair land with fine weather, and vineyards!”
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